I was recently asked whether scrupulosity affected my romantic relationships. The answer is a big YES! It’s not something that I’ve talked about a lot, but it has been on my mind because it is such a huge part of my life. It’s also something that is not talked about in circles where people talk about scrupulosity, and I don’t understand why.
Some quick background
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. We knew each other for seven years before dating, so we knew each other quite well before starting our dating relationship. I will obviously be tackling this topic from a female perspective, so for the guys out there, keep that in mind as you read along.
As far as our personalities and relationship dynamic go, I am more withdrawn into myself, whereas he is more outgoing. We like to go to Mass together, have movie nights, and game nights together. Honestly, it doesn’t seem to me that OCD affects my relationship with romance on an individual level that much. It seems strange even to say it out loud, but it really doesn’t. My anxiety though… that’s another story for another time.
So how do my struggles with OCD affect our relationship?
OCD is a party person. By that, I mean that it wants as many people to be worried as possible. So when I’m with my boyfriend, it often will be a struggle to do things because I cannot communicate how I’m feeling or why I’m feeling it. I will have random obsessions pop into my head, and then the compulsion is to withdraw and sit silently so that I don’t “drag him to sin” with my thoughts. Problem is, thoughts aren’t sinful. You can’t stop them from coming, and when you have OCD, it’s hard to get them to leave.
But that’s the big picture stuff. What is some of the nitty-gritty stuff I deal with as a girlfriend on a day to day basis?
Kissing
My boyfriend and I kiss. We cuddle. We hold hands. One of my biggest pieces of advice to people in relationships is to set boundaries, and set them for you and your partner, not someone else or some other couple. Take your unique relationship and personalities into account, and go from there. And then go back and adjust as needed. And this doesn’t just go for people with scruples. This goes for all couples. Anyway, now that I’m no longer on that mini-soapbox, let’s continue.
The reason I mention our level of physical interaction is because that is one of my biggest difficulties, and often can be so for many people with scrupulosity. As the more reserved one of the two of us, I’m already not a huge touchy-feely person to begin with. Add OCD into the mix, and it’s a bit of a mess. On a bad OCD day, I may not even want to kiss my boyfriend at all for fear of committing a sin. Alternatively, I may pull away from a kiss because of an intrusive thought that pops into my head for no good reason. It’s difficult for me, because I know he needs my kisses to feel loved, and because I want to show him that I love him by kissing him, and I know it is for him too, for the same reason, but also because he doesn’t like to see me suffer.
The problem of trying to decide what is sinful and what isn’t when it comes to physical interaction is not new for me, but it is new in the sense that this is my first relationship, and so I’m still working out some issues on this front. I’ve been to so many chastity talks that my OCD has blown them way out of proportion and I get worried that I might be leading us into sin just by cuddling, or kissing. Rest assured, kissing your boyfriend or girlfriend is not a sin.
Cleaning
Ladies, you’ll get this. Men are gross. Amen? Amen. They forget to put toilet seats down, and socks will live in the floor for a long time before making it into the washing machine, and don’t even get me started on the countertops. Even if they’re cleaner than most guys, they’re still gross.
Now, before you all get all worried for my soul, I am NOT living with my boyfriend. Period. That said, we spend time in his apartment. So naturally, as an OCD sufferer, I don’t always like being in his apartment because it’s a man’s apartment. Though I feel like that’s part and parcel with being a woman as well. Now, my boyfriend is fairly clean, but again, often with men there’s an inherent level of mess and dirtiness.
That last paragraph just shows you what a mess (pun intended) OCD is.
So what does this all have to do with OCD? Well, when we’re in his apartment, there are certain things that I won’t do or touch because ew. Now while this doesn’t always affect our relationship directly per se, I think it is worth mentioning all the same. However, sometimes these little obsessions do present an issue, if only a small one. For example, if we’re in his house and I wash my hands, I use a paper towel to dry them. Partly because it’s a habit, and partly because I don’t trust his hand towels to be clean enough for my OCD self. This drives my boyfriend crazy. Mostly because I’m wasting his paper towels. I might also ask him to wipe off the table top if it’s “dirty” from water marks from when he last cleaned it. Those are just some examples.
So once again, the good old OCD stereotype rears its head for its time to shine in my relationship. Wonderful, isn’t it?
Coping in Relationships
So how do my boyfriend and I cope with my mental illness? We talk. A lot. Communication is key. We talk, and I try to explain to him the best that I can what I am thinking and feeling. If I need some space, I tell him that. If I’m worried about something, I tell him that. If all of a sudden I pull away or don’t want to kiss him, I tell him that, and I tell him why. I make sure to do my best that he knows that it’s not because of him, it’s because of my brain and how it works. Talk talk talk. Communication really is the best thing in all these situations. I’m certainly no expert, but I know enough to know that I need to tell him what is going on and how I’m feeling.
The other thing that I really cannot stress enough in this post is to NOT make your partner your therapist. Have a therapist or someone you confide in with whom you work out your issues, and don’t place those on your significant other needlessly. This is both for the sake of prudence, and for the sake of your partner. Especially if you are not yet married, it may not be wise to share your whole heart with a person 3 months into dating. You also may not yet know all of your partner’s baggage, and they may not be in a place to help you with yours. Nor should we expect them to right off the bat.
Besides all of that, it’s important for you to have someone to talk to other than your boyfriend or girlfriend. You deserve to have a professional, impartial third party who is willing to help you to work through your struggles and learn to manage them. The more you can do to ease your suffering from OCD, the better it is for you and your relationship.
In Addition
Now, I know some of you are thinking, well, that’s great, but I don’t suffer from any of these things when it comes to romance. I know. I share what I have experienced because that is what is most simple to discuss. However, I know what I have experienced in the past as well. So let’s talk about that too.
Am I Leading On?
A lot of times we are told not to lead someone on who is interested in us. Why are we told this? Because it hurts the person whose heart is romantically involved to find out the truth, and because it’s the kind thing to do to tell them the truth. I know this was a big thing for me before my boyfriend and I started dating, because I value honesty, and because I didn’t want to hurt other people.
Whenever I thought a guy might be interested in me, I would be so paranoid about leading them on. I would avoid talking to them so as to not give the wrong idea. I would ignore text messages to try and make it clear that I wasn’t interested. Now, I could have handled this better. Now that I know a little more about how men think and what they know or don’t know, courtesy of my boyfriend, I can say that I should have just been upfront. It’s scary, but you can do it ladies! For the men out there, just be honest, but be gentle. Tell her you’re not interested, but you’re flattered that she is. Ladies, if he’s into you, it will be crystal clear. Men can’t do mixed signals or play mind games like we think they can. Trust me.
The moral of the story is to be honest. As the cliché goes, honesty is the best policy.
I clearly have a lot of thoughts on this topic. I’ll write more on this in the future, but this is just to get the conversation started and lay some ground work. I know how hard it can be to have OCD and be in a happy romantic relationship, but believe me when I tell you that you are not alone, nor are you helpless. Talk to your therapist about how OCD affects your relationship and how you’d like to make improvements. Talk to your partner when you think it is appropriate and explain to them the what, how, why, when, where. You know, all those questions your grade school teachers taught you to answer when you write. I know it is so hard, but you can do it. I believe in you. It will be for the best. Trust me. You deserve to be with someone who knows what you go through and can help you with it.
I am praying for you all.
St. Therese, pray for us!